Last week I moved out in to my own house. It's a separation in our marriage but not in the way society would have us believe and fear. Relationships can be so challenging on so many levels and for us - we have been together 9 years, survived a FIFO lifestyle, had a beautiful daughter very early in our relationship and stepped onto the path of growth separately, for different reasons and at different times.
I didn't leave because I no longer love Jim, I left for the exact opposite - I know I love him so much and he is an intertwined within my souls journey - but shit gets heavy sometimes.
I spent at least the first half our relationship so unaware of life, asleep to the beauty within and out and with that built the foundation of how I love and receive love based on old programs that were conditional, expectant and in return somewhat toxic.
I think something that is often left out of self development and spiritual growth spaces is what happens in relationships when each take similar but different paths to healing and or growth. Most of the time it's advice like leave and let go of anything not in alignment - but it's not that simple and what if we are giving up an opportunity to grow far beyond what we thought possible?
See I had a lot shit to heal and in the beginning I broke so many times and this man held me each time, even though he couldn't fathom some of the ways I'd learned to express hurt over my life - or some of the things I had been through. I am forever grateful for the space he has held for me in my darkest of days.
I can't imagine what those breakdowns have done for our relationship - There was actually a time in our lives we never fought. Like never had, had a fight..... that seems like a lifetime ago. But I say they happened for us because I know with every communication breakdown came a coming together, a realigning and a discovery of something deeper between us.
Over the years it's all just compiled and I realised that I had some toxic ways of expressing myself within my relationship - This isn't easy to admit but I feel it's important to share how imperfect I can be and how I am learning to heal these parts before catastrophic damage is done to those I love most.
Relationships are the biggest challenge and mirror when it comes to growth. It can be so easy to point the finger and say the other person isn't meeting you where you need to be met and yes, those feelings are valid but after some much needed space to think and ponder on how we got here I've come to some very sobering conclusions.
Here is some of what is happening internally because of this decision;
I am relearning how to relate in love.
I am learning Independence that is empowering ( I've lived alone before but at that time in my life I was a party animal seeking comfort in sex, drugs and alcohol.....)
I am taking responsibility for myself in a way I never have.
I am creating space for Jim to choose himself. I think it's important to note that a lot of men feel an overwhelming need to provide for their family and this can take importance over self care and pursuit of purpose and passion for them selves and life.
I am healing in a way I never knew I needed and craved. I have long been scared of "lonely" when in fact I crave solitude and silence. I like my environment to feel a certain way and it really isn't fair nor necessary that everyone in the house conform to my way of "flowing" so I feel content. Insert - what if I had my own house? My own routines and space to get up and dance at 4 am if my soul feels called to do so?
Since making the decision to separate a full cycle ago ( you better believe this all came about last bleed and here I am this bleed, happy I followed the guidance) everything has unfolded like magic. The perfect house, all the extra things I needed, the helping hand from the perfect people and Jim and I have been getting along better than ever.
Don't get me wrong, this has been challenging emotionally and some days I had to sit in mass amounts of grief for what I thought our life should/would look like. I have to face questions from others that at times made me feel like why are we doing this? I've had to reprogram my whole beliefs system around relationships and what it means to married, have a family AND follow my path.
The conclusion is this - do what feels right for you and yours. Not everyone is going to fully understand it, celebrate it or accept it so don't allow that to sway what you know is true inside.
I have had mixed reactions and the ones that stand out are the marriages that have broken down and people who say maybe it wouldn't have if they had tried this. I've had friends celebrate this transition and to each of you I am so grateful, your love truly warms me.
I don't know if or when we'll live together again. Who even knows if we'll end up a couple. What I do know is that we are happier than we've been in years and that's what relationships are about - happiness, love, growth and holding each to her through the hard times and coming together to make the hard decisions.
For anyone who is wondering how Lilah is taking this, she's happy because we are happy. We told her the truth and all she was concerned about is if she get two Christmases... We a trying to teach her how to relate in a way we were never taught. she's happy, healthy and safe :D
So don't wait until your relationship is completely broken to heal it - because often it's too late. I've had this shitty ideology that we must live together and make it work and trying to meet that has created way more pain than necessary. I am so grateful for the man I married and life we've created so far. I am equally as grateful for what is coming....
So that's whats been happening in my life the past few months. It's taken me awhile to navigate, to surrender and to allow what wanted to be - but here I am. I am looking forward to going back to work and seeing clients again. I am excited to see what life has in store and what adventures await. I know this is the beginning of something magical and I AM HERE FOR IT!
Love, Nui x